Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fathers Day, Traditions and Change......what it really means ?

I thought "bose noise canceling headphones are apporpriate for the new baby thing ...ha ha ha

Father’s Day…… Why do we have it and what does it mean for me and my family?
When you start your own family you start to think about all the traditions that you would like to implement and have happen for your child and for your future family.  Family meals, holiday traditions, vacations in the OBX…. And many, many more. One of those things that I would like is for my children to know that it’s important to acknowledge birthdays, holidays and celebrate each other’s milestones.
 If I don’t make a big deal about my husband how will my child know he deserves a special day, if my husband doesn’t show his wife love, respect and appreciation what kind of example will that set for our children. If our kids never see us fight, resolve and makeup with hugs and kisses. How will they know how to come to solutions or have healthy problem solving skills? The way our parents handled conflict, family, life situations are we destine to repeat those same problem solving techniques even if we dont want to? What if you don’t want to carry those habits into my future family?   Does this sound like I am over analyzing things? ha ha ...a little wee bit ?? LOL ... Being Crazy? I don’t know but it is important to me and I think about these kinds of things.
Mike and I love each other, we have fun together and we acknowledge each other. It’s a good thing because we already do all that so I don’t think we would have a problem, but I always thought it was weird, when I hear about those couples that don’t even acknowledge each other, not that every birthday has to be a limo ride, but do something. So, being a contemplative person, always peeling back the layers of the onion in my own life. I look to see what I don’t want for myself so I may form what I do want for my family.  In my mind that seems natural, to others, I have been told I think too much. I guess I would rather think too much, rather than not think at all. LOL…
 My husband is my husband and my daughter’s father. He is not my business partner , my roommate or my other child. It’s freaky to me when you see people have marriages that are more parent & child, then husband and wife. The wife took the place of the husband’s mother and instead of being his wife; she acts more like a mother to him.  Then there is what I like to call “long suffering man” ,  we  have all seen those men in the grocery stores, following behind their mean wife, looking sad and beaten down, scared to even have an opinion that differs from his wife’s. They don’t hold hands, they don’t make love and their relationship is a distorted mixture of codependency and fear. Ughhhh... this scares the hell out of me. I tell my husband never , please, never let us stop pushing each other, never let us give up on each other like that, where it’s easier to go along with the persons delusions than to actually stand up to your husband or wife. People let fear control all sorts of things. It keeps people from trying new things. It keeps people from changing old things. If your husband is an alcoholic or a drug addict and you buy into his lies and cripple him because it’s easier than standing up to him or making him get help or face his dependency. I have to ask are you part of the problem or the solution?  People are so scared of change that even when it’s for the better they will deny themselves it.

I was watching something once on “60 minutes” where a couple who had been deaf for life, they were in their 60’s, had the possibility of hearing for the first time. They would have to undergo surgery and they would finally be able to hear for the first time in life. They both did it for their children and themselves, it was paid for by the company that had the hearing aids, the surgery was a success. The husband was astonished; he loved hearing the music, the waves, and his grandchildren’s laughter. The wife couldn’t deal with it, she had the implants removed and choose to be deaf  rather than hear. It was "Too hard “she said; she couldn’t handle the change. He grew, she didn’t. He wanted more, she didn’t. They then later had problems in their marriage because all the things he wanted to do in life, he was going to finally do, she didn’t want to do them. She was too scared. They separated after being married for 4 decades. Her unwillingness to grow, his inability to not grow. He couldn’t go back, she couldn’t move forward.  He had a taste of what it was like to have something he had never had. This story has always stuck with me; along with all those other stories you hear and see on the news. People that are kidnapped and kept hostage and when given the chance to escape, they don’t.  They stay with their abuser or rapist.  Stockholm syndrome, i think its called. Why? Fear! Fear of the unknown, fear that no one else will love them.  When someone controls you with fear or puts intrusive thoughts in your head, which is NOT love.  This to me is sickness.

That would be the ultimate failure for me; my husband loves me and loves me enough to let me know when I am wrong. That takes courage, which takes real strength and conviction. I do the same for him. It’s not easy to stand up to a bull headed spouse, but in the end, a real marriage makes you look at all of yourself, it mirrors you. This is what creates love and respect. If your spouse lies to you and you believe in their lies, to make them feel okay, then what do you have? You will eventually lose respect for the other spouse, because the heart of the matters will eventually come to light. You cant lie to yourself forever.

My husband is the kind of man that does the right thing; he will always step up to the plate, be the one that bites his tongue and sacrifice for the sake of his family or kids. I have never heard him ever put down his ex wife in front of his children, he doesnt do those kind of things to his children or people. Its not that he hasnt had negative thoughts or feelings, but he thinks of the bigger picture. He is a real man, not a weak man, subject to the emotions of a child.  My husband always says "Feel your Feelings, but Act on your Commitments" !
I love that, because at times you wont "feel like" being a good wife, husband, parent but when your commitment is to a bigger picture, like your marriage or being part of a family, or the mental health of your children. You do what is best for everyone, for the bigger picture, not for selfish immediate feelings of getting your way.

This is what seperates then men from the boys, the girls from the women. The people of intergrity and strength.
That is why,  when there is a chance for me to love on him and make him feel like he is "special" I like to go all out. Because he is special. He is not like anyone I know.
Even when we are broke, I go all out in other ways and so does he. Breakfast in bed, little notes, special homemade dinners, I will never forget the year of "love coupons". You don’t need a lot of money to show someone they are special to you.
Traditions are not about just baking the cookies on the holidays, because you took that role. They are about how you conduct yourself throughout your life,family and marriage. Do you children see you sweep your wife off her feet? Do they see you break out in song and laugh like a child? Do they know they can talk to you about anything or do they have to hide things? Are you a person that looks for solutions or keeps conflict happening. How you love people is also a “tradition”, how you open your heart and home to those you love shows people who you are.
I am making my own traditions with my family, some I have learned from my parent, grandparents and friends. and I will cherish,some traditions I will let die on the vine because they are not something I want to continue.  Only keeping the most precious loving traditions that serve everyone, not just me !

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